Two summers ago, at the young age of 19, my heart was heavy with unresolved baggage, but a part of me still longed to fall in love. I wasn’t ready to go on a quest for love using trial and error. Dating, I feared would leave my heart in a lot of pain, and open me up to rejection. Rejection had already painted my year with sorrow, enough to make me want to lock up my heart and throw away the key.
I was single for the first 20 years of my life… And I must confess, I held a deep-seated belief that I was unworthy of love because of my singleness. Guys never seemed to take an interest in me. The old me would have looked in the mirror and been haunted by my singleness. My heart desperately longed to know what love felt like, yet the idea of opening myself up to love made me cringe with uncertainty.
So I decided instead to dedicate my summer to falling in love with the Lord. Far away from everyone and everything I knew, I spent my summer working at a summer camp in the hills of North Carolina where I abandoned all comfort and hoped to also abandon my deeply held cynicism about love and its existence.
Attempting to fall in love with the Lord meant talking to Him about everything. That’s what you do in relationships with other people, so I figured I would try doing it with God. Every day I journaled, writing meticulous letters to the Lord, sharing details I normally assumed He wouldn’t care about. And let me tell you, we got close. I started to feel the brokenness that weighed on my heart dissipate. I also felt an unexplainable peace from sharing simple fears, thoughts, and moments with the Lord.
Does God really care?
Do you ever assume things are too little for the Lord to care about? I know I do sometimes. One of those things I used to assume God didn’t care about was my crushes. While the first twenty years of my love life were pretty uneventful where boys were concerned, I‘ve had my fair share of crushes.
That summer was no different. There is something so enchanting about falling in love at summer camp. You see the opposite sex working with kids, serving others, and sharing the Gospel. Before you know it you are head over heels for someone you never would have liked otherwise.
I was no different than most girls, and before long my mission to fall in love with the Lord became clouded by a crush on a counselor I was working with. Aware that this was happening, I didn‘t dismiss it, instead, I talked to God about it.
I had never talked to God about my crushes before. It felt uncomfortable at first, but I knew that this was an area of my life I needed to surrender to him. Reluctantly, I told God all about this boy. Then I asked him to guard my heart against any unnecessary pain. I also asked him, along with some of my close girlfriends on staff, to hold me accountable in keeping my eyes fixed on the goal of sharing the Gospel with the campers.
In my mind, there was no way a kind, charismatic guy like him would ever reciprocate my feelings, so there was no need for me to be distracted by a boy. Yet something compelled me to talk to the Lord about him, my seemingly meaningless crush.
One night my crush, we will call him John, pulled me aside at dinner and asked me to talk later that night. My mind raced with reasons why he would want to talk with just me. After carefully eliminating all possibilities, I was certain John wanted to let me know that he found out about my crush on him and that he did not feel the same way.
After dinner and card games in the mess hall, John pulled me aside for a talk on the porch of the mess hall. Underneath the blanket of stars that surrounded the camp, I could barely see his face, but I didn’t need to. I had already braced myself for rejection.
I was completely taken aback when he confessed his feelings for me that night. He had no idea that I liked him either. My face was flush with embarrassment and a hint of satisfaction, my mind pressed for words, I ended the conversation by thanking him for sharing and letting him know that I needed time to think it over. This wasn’t what I expected at all.
The next week as John waited for my response, a prayer a good friend had told me about when she was praying over a relationship came to mind. I prayed it over and over; “Lord, if you love it bless it, if you hate it curse it.”
And boy did it work. The Lord started revealing to me all of the reasons why John wasn’t right for me. He was a good guy, but I realized that my fleeting crush on him had fogged my judgment. He still had a lot of growing to do, and all I could see was his potential. Ultimately I had to tell John that I didn’t see things working out in the long run, and while that was hard, it spared both of us so much heartbreak later on.
Abbey before falling in love with the Lord would have never had the clarity to make that call. She would have settled for attention from a guy who wasn’t quite right because she craved validation. But something changed in me that summer. The summer I fell in love with the Lord, I learned I didn’t need to look for love in relationships. I felt whole. I felt whole enough to say no instead of settling for less than I deserved, all because I learned how to talk to the Lord.
Maybe that’s not what you wanted to hear. I’m guessing you may have read this with the hope that I was going to tell you surrendering your love life to the Lord would end with you meeting the guy of your dreams. But that’s not how God works. He’s not a vending machine, you don‘t insert a prayer, and out comes the man of your dreams. Instead, he invites you to participate in a greater love story, one that involves you falling in love with him, as well as accepting his great love for you!
This is a love story you are invited to whether you are single, dating, engaged, married, or anywhere in between.
So how do I fall in love with the Lord?
You talk to God. Figure out what ways you enjoy spending time with him. As you do this, you will feel more comfortable sharing with him. Eventually, it will feel normal to crave time with him the same way you crave spending time with a loved one. It really is that simple. Some ways to spend time with the Lord include:
reading scripture
going on prayer walks
praying out loud
meditating
praying as you walk from place to place
worshipping/ listening to worship music
and many others
I would encourage you to open yourself up to falling in love with the Lord if that is something you have never done before. If you are in a season of doubt, I invite you to do it as well. Let him know that you desire a deep relationship with him. Dedicate a whole season to falling in love with God, and be persistent in your pursuit of him.
I can’t wait to hear about the beautiful love story you are writing along with the Lord. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, or reach out to me on social media. Thanks for reading friend! See you next Tuesday at 2!
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